How to support someone going through a difficult time

When someone we love is struggling, one of the hardest things we face is the feeling that we should be doing something.

The urge to help — to fix, to solve, to move things forward — is one of the most human impulses there is. It comes from love. It comes from not being able to bear seeing someone we care about in pain. And it comes, if we're honest, from the discomfort that pain creates in us — a kind of quiet panic that can make us more urgent, more insistent, more solution-focused than we might otherwise be.

This is completely understandable. And it can also, unintentionally, make things harder for the person we're trying to help.

Why the urge to fix can backfire

When someone is really struggling — not just having a hard week, but genuinely finding it difficult to cope — what they often need most is not a solution. It's to feel that someone can bear to be with them in it.

When we push too hard towards action, or offer suggestions that make perfect sense to us but feel impossible to them, it can create a different kind of pain. They may feel judged — as though their inability to do the things we're gently (or not so gently) suggesting means they're lazy, or weak, or letting us down. They may already be feeling those things about themselves. Adding the perceived disappointment of someone they love to that weight can feel unbearable.

And so, gradually, they may start to close down. To say less. To protect you — and themselves — from the full extent of what they're carrying.

The way to keep that door open is to slow everything down.

What actually helps: being present

There are no magic words that will take someone's pain away. But there is something that comes close — and it's simpler, and harder, than most of us expect.

It's joining them where they are.

Not trying to move things to safer, more comfortable ground. Not offering hope or silver linings or distractions — what about that holiday you've got coming up, at least you've got the summer to look forward to, I know what will cheer you up— but actually sitting with them in the difficult place they're in, and letting them know you can see how hard it is.

Brené Brown has a short video on the difference between empathy and sympathy that captures this beautifully — it's worth five minutes of anyone's time. You can find it here: https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

Empathy isn't about finding the right thing to say. It's about meeting someone in the dark place they're in and letting them know you're there, you see them, and you're not going anywhere. No fixing, no false hope, no action plans. Just human connection in a moment of real distress.

Active listening — what it actually means

Most of us think we're good listeners. And in everyday conversation, we probably are. But supporting someone who is really struggling asks for something more intentional — what's often called active listening.

Active listening means putting your own internal noise to one side. Not formulating your reply while they're still speaking. Not searching for a related experience of your own to share. Not half-thinking about something else entirely — we all do this, and there's nothing wrong with it in normal conversation. But when someone is opening up about something painful, the most valuable thing you can offer is your full, undivided attention.

That means making space. Encouraging them to carry on, gently and with curiosity. Letting them know — through your presence, your eye contact, the way you're listening — that you want to hear more.

It also means being comfortable with silence. In everyday conversation we tend to fill silences because they feel awkward. But when someone is struggling, a quiet moment can be exactly what they need — to process what they've just said, to find the words for something that's hard to articulate, to sit with a feeling that's just surfaced. Let them talk at their pace. Sit together in the silence. That's often where the real connection happens.

Two ideas worth knowing

There are two concepts from counselling that I think are genuinely useful for anyone trying to support someone they love.

Holding space means being fully present with another person, without judgement and without the need to fix. It's an act of compassion that allows someone else's feelings to exist safely — without being rushed, minimised, or redirected.

Unconditional positive regard means accepting and valuing someone exactly as they are, with warmth and without conditions — regardless of what they say, what they feel, or what they're struggling with.

Neither of these requires training. They require intention, and the willingness to set your own discomfort aside for a while.

The practical things matter too

Supporting someone doesn't have to mean long, emotionally intense conversations every time you see them. Sometimes the most meaningful things are the smallest ones.

Turning up with a nutritious meal they can heat up when they've had an exhausting day and don't have the energy to look after themselves. Suggesting a coffee at the café they like, just to get them out and into the world for a little while. Sending a text on the morning of something scary, just to say you're thinking of them.

These things say as much as words ever can.

And if someone is ready to think about what might help them move forward, be gentle. Help them explore what feels possible for them — without importing your own ideas or expectations about what they should be doing. Encourage them. And let them know that even if they can't manage some of those things yet, you'll still be there when they are.

When to suggest professional support

If you reach the point where someone you love seems stuck — where the same struggles keep returning and nothing seems to shift — it might be time to gently ask whether they've thought about talking to a counsellor or therapist.

The key word is gently. This isn't a suggestion to make when you're frustrated, or as a way of signalling that you've reached your limit. It's something to offer when the moment feels right — as another form of support, not a replacement for yours.

If they're open to it, offer to help them find someone. The Counselling Directory is a good place to start — you can search by location and filter by the kind of support that feels most relevant. And if you think what I offer might suit them, they're very welcome to get in touch.

Sometimes the most important thing we can do for someone we love is to be honest about the limits of what we can offer — and help them find the right kind of support. If you'd like to find out more about how I work, or whether counselling might help someone you care about, please don't hesitate to get in touch.